


Regrets

by MelsShenanigans



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Light Angst, No Plot, a bit of mention of the Doctor, only thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-04-07 20:28:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4276881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelsShenanigans/pseuds/MelsShenanigans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tonight Jack had been by her side, trying like her to drown in liquor. Now all that remained was grief.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regrets

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lovethecoat51](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovethecoat51/gifts).



_Oh goodness, what have I done?_ Her mind was now starting to clear from the cloud of alcohol and emotions just enough to let regret slip in. She could hear Jack’s deep respiration while he slept ( _how could he when she was feeling so restless?)_ , he radiated warmth and that fixed point aura that was unbearable for Timelords - it was one of the few things that actually made her thankful to have only segments of their DNA. 

She wanted to crawl back into his embrace, looking for the comfort it had offered all these years. But she had tainted it in her own stupidity - _this is what happens when you get emotional._  He had been a rock to hold unto in the middle of the rapids that were her life. And she had broken the stone and was sinking with it. Until now she hadn’t realised how much she appreciated his friendship, the stability of having someone who understood the pains and joys she went through, who didn’t judge her lifestyle and most important, around whom she didn’t need to play with words to avoid spoilers.

But of course it wouldn’t last, she had to throw it all away in one night. Like always, she had to ruin the relationship that had been working so well. And all because she had lost control. No, she couldn’t blame the alcohol, she had wanted this, and it had been perfect - if only for as long as it lasted. But she should have expected the drop after the high, she knew it would happen. 

_Yet she had wanted it so much._

Now all that remained was grief: the heartache that had brought her to do this, the remorse of her now broken relationship and the self-hatred for letting herself think it was a good idea.

_Life was easier when she didn't grow attached to people._

And the only person she had turned to these last years for solace was now the one she was avoiding to touch, too afraid of making things even worse. There was no one else she could trust with this secret: her mother would be disappointed, her father would scold her and she feared to even imagine how the Doctor would react. _But it was his fault_ , he was the one that had caused this, even if he would never know about it.

Oh, she loved the Doctor, she loved him with every fiber of her being. He was the one who had seen the good in her before herself, he had loved her before she learned to love herself and he had shown her compassion, forgiveness and acceptance, even when he had no reason to do it. 

But she saw the man that had known everything about her progressively forgetting about her in front of her eyes, the love slowly fading from his gaze. And she _knows_  that means he falls for her the more he gets to know her, but she can’t control the way they meet - always backwards. Everytime she met a younger version of the man she loved looking at her like she was a ghost, with pain and pity, with confusion and puzzlement. He looked straight through her and she could feel her heart shatter every time. 

Usually she tried to make the best of it, to see the bright part of this. But tonight it had been too much, there had been barely a hint of recognition in the way he had looked at her and she knew,  _oh, she knew -_ he wasn’t good at hiding his thoughts.

It had been too sad, too miserable - she needed to get her mind off. The drinks hadn’t worked, they were bitter and burning, just like her.

At least she had Jack. He had been there for her these last years and his presence was starting to feel like home. He understood far too well how she felt and she was grateful to be able to go to him whenever she needed his company. 

Tonight Jack had been by her side, trying like her to drown in liquor. Their lives were so different and yet their troubles were so similar. It wasn’t the first time she had caught herself being mesmerized at how much he could understand her, how important he had become in her life in so little time and how much it would sadden her to lose him. 

It had started as some kind of revenge, a way of showing herself that she didn’t need the Doctor, that he wasn’t the only one she could care about - and even though it was supposed to hurt him, of course he would never hear about it. It was but a small relief, trying to wound him like he did to her.

But it had turned out to be more than that, Jack’s touch had made her skin flame, his lips against hers made her heart flutter and those few moments with him had wiped out her mind, leaving only pleasure there.

She had curled up afterwards, her back to him, it was easier to pretend he wasn’t there if she didn’t see him. But she yearned for his touch, the way his blue eyes sparkled when he smiled, that crooked smirk of his. Yet there had been an unspoken agreement between them that this was nothing special, they were nothing but friends.

And that was what she regretted the most, having to pretend it had meant as little as she had wanted it to.

**Author's Note:**

> This was part of a thread I had with my lovely [Jack](http://canspotatimeagent.tumblr.com), but it turned out to be much longer than expected and because there's so little Jack/River, I decided to post here too.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Five times kissed](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4289478) by [MelsShenanigans](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelsShenanigans/pseuds/MelsShenanigans)




End file.
